There is this love….

… that exists in the small recesses of my mind, he looks a lot like Jim Carrey did in Eternal Sunshine, I guess a grown up version of John Cusack in Say Anything.

You know sweet quirky, a little shy, very smart and has the ability to spit the deadliest verbal darts.

And you know for a quick sec, I thought I got lucky and found that guy, the one who would ground me, the one who would bring me out of my shell, be the Hardy to my Laurel. But alas that isn’t happening. I’m just caught in this maze of nothingness, pomp and circumstance.

So I beg, and I beg for forgetfulness…. Because I’m tired of this feeling – this urge, I want to be loved – yet I know deep inside that I cannot be loved, a fatal flaw.

As much as you don’t want to believe, the only way that I can function is miles below normal, is by taking that swing – I have to hurt, I have to cause pain (alas you can’t do that to me – as I am most adept at pivoting straight into and then through your shit, while my aura stops for just a moment, to inflict as much damage upon you as I inflict upon myself).

Still standing alone, it’s time to cut to the heart of the matter, to sink tooth and gum, to take that painfully blissful bite and pick it apart, notice Watson, this is why is impossible to love me.

I can’t be satisfied with the surface, it is dissected with a degree of sang-froid many are sure would frighten Capote and the great HST@! Do you hear the fear? I’ve caused it, this chaos swirls – no one else would forget the tenacity of the rose and wonder what’s wrong with the concrete? Why did it let it grow?

These roses have sores that need to be exposed, ponder for a moment, are these sores using me as a conduit?  Notice, these flaws are rampant within others, but the stench is more insipid whilst I lurk… Never has one prayed for death more often than I, no one has slipped over edge as many times as I only to happen upon solid ground again and again.

 I still manage to live; for now on and on – always seeing the absolute worst in you, in me.

Never has there been so many tears shed – weeping willow weeps and weeping – fortune and infamy lurk as my breath slowly and surely seeps out, quickly seeping – turning red and black, truly blue, tearing more and more.

Shrines! where their vigils pale-ey’d virgins keep,
And pitying saints, whose statues learn to weep!
Though cold like you, unmov’d, and silent grown,
I have not yet forgot myself to stone.

**********************************30**************************************

Rick Ross: I shed tears cause I’m told that the heal, to tell the truth I don’t know how to feel, ever felt alone in room full of friends, got big plans but leave em in suspense, pray for me, patience wait for me, pay dues, trust me they aint comin, way back it was hoops now its maybach coupes, and we all took a vow no squares in the loop, now we lookin at each other sittin in the courtroom, I’m laughin cause its lookin like a cartoon, never snitch, got it tattooed by cartoon, somebody switch, by my rules we all lose.

Chorus: You’ve been hiding, never letting it show, always trying to keep it under control, you’ve held it down and well on your way to the top…But there’s something you forgot!

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~ by tashpoeme on November 30, 2008.

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