Da Jalopy rumbles and clangs forward…

 Dear Diary:

Being Messed up, helped me to step up! But I stepped so high that I lost grip & I don’t know what’s real… No, I know what’s real, I just don’t know how to get it…. Spent too many years fighting other peoples battles and spent just as many years, getting all teary-eyed with those boys on the big and small screens, if only I’d have known  ;(
I’ve finally decided to wave the white flag, because sadly I don’t have a choice… I keep hemming and hawing, tryin to believe that somewhere out there <♥ 4me> I gotta stop dreaming now. I mean c’mon I ain’t no Madonna or Mariah or even a Demi, I gotta watch this last wish fly away, hopefully it will grace someone who will cherish it, hopefully… Somewhere out there……  is just not for me, I gotta keep going forward, creaking, rumbling and clanging; cuz even though there’s no love, there are still dreams…

I think the real reason why I revel, I mean continue to march in the land of single-hood for the THIRD decade is because, my love story is the one I’M HAVIN’ WIT LIFE! You know God, really only gives people gifts that they can handle.

I’ve thrown this miracle away several times… I felt horrible, alone, fat, ugly – teenage angst alongside continual war and frustration. So I often gave up, I didn’t want to be around, this life I had sucked & I knew it wasn’t going to get any better. My feelings haven’t changed too much since then, but gratitude and respect for life literally hit me in the head…. When that box fell all those years ago, that should have been it… I don’t understand how it was only just a blink and everything was ok,OK! Well, it wasn’t! It was a bad and hard slide down… seven years of bad luck…. Can/will I be able to make penance?!!

Luckily,  my mom and I were on speaking terms at the time. She said I sounded funny> I walked past people at work, saying everything wrong, me and my damn delightful snarky wisdom, bopping and weaving> I noticed how swarmy and dirty everyone seemed, they leered at me. I had to be lying! I wasn’t though, I mean I was fine (fine = alive)

Spent the next few years in a haze, and desperation caused me to land in not one but two bad jobs (ie High School Hell – the bullying, being overworked & my forked tongue), how old am I again? *Shivers* And each saga ended abruptly, just before the unlucky anniversary>This is the seventh year, since I got fired/saw stars…

  • I still get those funny headaches they don’t last long, but the disorientation lasts for days
  • I am now really bad around people, sure I can club (since I’m drunk), but malls, subways, streetcars… while at one of those aforementioned jobs = claustrophobic
  • (Sure there could be a third one, but I AM trying to be positive now!!)

Life loves me again, so if single I have to be, fuck I’ll be —–> NO putting on airs, unless I am pleasing myself *shrugs* Fuck, I realize now, I have 7, 20 x 20 x 20’s worth of forgiveness and salvation, in the year of our lord, 2009!

7.20.2009 Da anti-d8r Dreams on, through faith ;9

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~ by tashpoeme on April 7, 2009.

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